Nightmares
by FlickerInTheDark
Summary: Alex has terrible nightmares about John being hurt and he doing nothing. LAMs. Modern AU. Just a warning this does have mentions of abuse and contains cursing. Viewer discretion advised!


**A/N: Just a warning this does have mentions of abuse and contains cursing. Viewer discretion advised!**

 _"_ _You don't belong here!"_

 _"_ _Get out you Creole bastard!"_

 _"_ _No no! Please listen I have papers! I am a legal citizen," he called out._

 _"_ _Ha! I wonder if Alexander Hamilton is even your real name?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, I bet he stole it from some poor dead fool!"_

 _"_ _Please, I promise I am Alexander Hamilton! Here call my employer his name is George Washington…"_

 _"_ _Likely story!"_

 _"_ _You best run back to where you come from!" someone cackled_

 _He felt something. Someone hit him square in the stomach. Blood now spewed from his mouth._

 _"_ _All over my new suit! You will pay little leech!"_

 _"_ _John!" he called. He knew John was not there. But he didn't know where John was and panic began to swim in him more than the threats coming from his assailants._

 _"_ _Oh, John's here! Want to see him, pretty boy?"_

 _"_ _What? John?" he asked in shock._

 _"_ _Yes, are you deaf?"_

 _Suddenly John was being pulled through a door and his boyfriend looked hurt. His nose had been bleeding and he was limping._

 _"_ _Did you hurt him you bastards?"_

 _"_ _What a way to talk! Shut up and listen up, we will let you go but John, here, stays. Forever and ever!" the cruel voice returned._

 _Without thinking he bolted. He couldn't think, the pain was too much. He had to leave. He had to leave. He had to…_

"Oh God! Alex!" a familiar voice came.

Alex didn't want to open his eyes. He couldn't. He couldn't face the fact he had left John back there with those cruel people.

"Alex, it's me, John. John Laurens," John said softly but urgently.

"No no," Alex whimpered.

"Shh, it was only a bad dream. You're safe at home," John continued, "You are in our shared apartment.

Alex slowly opened one eye. He noticed John had a bloody nose. "Oh God! Did I do that?" He must have because his knuckles had fresh blood smeared on like crude war paint.

"You were sleep punching again," John laughed.

"I suppose now you will want to call the police or break up with me?" Alex asked dejectedly.

"No silly! Why on Earth would I kick you out?" John said now holding Alex. Alex couldn't bear to look the only person who had shown him love since his mother. NO one else had gotten as close as John had. John, the man who listened to him confess his life story. John who had picked up when he had fallen apart.

"I hit you. Domestic violence." His father used to hit his mother when he drank and Alex would sit in his room with his little brother. He always covered his brother's ears but Alex having no extra hands to cover his own heard the screaming and shouting.

John asked, "That wasn't domestic violence what you just did. Did you mean to hit me? Did any part of you want to cause harm to me?"

"No-no of course not!"

"Then we are not breaking up. It was a nightmare."

"My father never meant to hit my mother but he still did."

"Your father was drunk. He may not have 'meant' to do it but he sure didn't stop drinking or do anything to get help." John tried to make Alex understand.

"How can you trust me enough to be with me? What if I do worse?"

"You are not your father and that is enough trust for me. Alex until the day you intend to hurt me you could never do worse. The worst thing is if you were intentionally hurting me. That is the worst you can do."

Alex wanted to believe these kind words. John had spent nights with him after nightmares. Alex knew John wasn't one to judge or abandon but Alex always had a fear John would pick up and leave after Alex did something.

"Alex I'm not going to break up with you because of your past, you know that right?"

Alex only nodded. People always said that what is NOW is what was most important. But people always judged.

"But how can you stand to share a bed with a man who could quite possibly hurt you?"

"We will take it as it comes. You always say I tend to kick in my sleep. That doesn't make you want to leave."

"Yours is different. You just dream of running. I dream of dangerous things happening to you or anyone I care about."

They were quiet for a little while. All they heard were the crickets outside. Alex began to cry.

"Alex?"

"I left you..."

"Left me?"

"In my dream. Dangerous people were holding you and I just bolted. I left you there to suffer!"

"No, you didn't, I'm here aren't I?"

"That was just a dream, but what if in real life I do abandon you? What if I try to save my own skin and leave you to some horrible fate?"

"Can you honestly say you would do such a thing?"

"I did that once. I left my brother," Alex bemoaned.

Alex had done just that. When he had the chance he left his brother behind. He had gone looking for James but his brother was nowhere to be found. Once he was working in the government he had used every last resource to try and find James and bring him to New York but every search came up empty.

"You would come back for me."

"But what if I couldn't! I lost my brother and I won't lose you but I am so afraid that I might."

"Alex, listen to me. We are here in New York. Nothing bad is going to separate us. The worst thing we have is being forced to go to Jefferson's dinner parties. As long as you wouldn't leave me alone with another serving of mac and cheese, we will be fine.

Alex laughed. Nearly once a month Jefferson would host an office get together. Some lesser knowing employees thought he was just nice but it was a power move. Alex and John shared a modest apartment but Jefferson had an extravagant penthouse. They tried to decline but they always got roped in or Washington was going to be there so, therefore, it was a must.

"I promise I would never do that," Alex said holding John's hand.

"Now, do you feel better?" John asked gently.

"I suppose." Alex felt like a small child but what could he do. John said he was going to be with him on his journey and so this is what came with the adventure. He got up to wash his hands. As the pinkish water swirled down the drain, so did Alex's fears. These fears were not gone completely, they would pop up again but for now, they were gone. When he returned John was still there.

"Okay good night," John said once Alex was back in bed. Alex took a minute to lie down again and when he did John put a protective arm around him.

"What if I have more nights like this?" Alex asked the ceiling.

"If you do I will be right here to bring you back."

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